All Good things come to an End

Hi Everyone!

I’m currently listening to Stop and Stare by OneRepublic.

So, today I was watching/reading the captions on How I Met Your Mother when I was working out. Something that one of the characters said brought me back to a time a few years ago, well actually more than a few years ago now.

My mom has always had very good set of standards with guys. She doesn’t do the one night stand and has a great level of self esteem. Also, being a single mother, she has a good set of rules for involvement in our lives. The thing is, we are a family unit, and she isn’t going to be throwing random guys into our lives willy-nilly. I have immense respect for her decision. It has sure made my life easier.

ANYWAYS! Years ago she was so connected with a guy, we’ll call him Mustang, that she brought him home to meet me. It was the first time anything like that had happened in the frame of time I remember. Mustang quickly became an integral part of our lives. He even ended up moving in. I let my guard down slowly. My father essentially abandoned me so I did not open up to men very easily. I stopped saying “I love you” to my mom to her face when he was around and would run upstairs and yell it down. Therefore I wouldn’t have to face rejection if he did not return the sentiment. However, every time I did this he would yell “I love you too” back up in unison with my mom. Eventually I did start saying it directly to him. He was becoming a part of the family.

Soon enough he was spending nights over and I had a father figure for the first time in my life. He finally informed me that he had moved in. I remember being so happy. I had, for the first time, a sort of father. Good times followed, great times actually.

I believe the saying goes, all good things come to an end, this was no different. My mom and him eventually broke up. His reasoning was “what if I cannot be there one day for you?” the “you” being my mother and myself. Instead of being a man and stepping up to that occasion when/if it arose, he backed out at that moment. He also said he didn’t want to hurt me if the relationship didn’t end up working out and I was attached. I cried. I was already attached.

He tried to stay in my life. He had "visitation rights", and in the beginning he was committed to them. Every Thursday we would go on adventures. Some of the adventures involved the mall, others involved ice cream. It didn’t matter where we went, we just were together, that’s all that mattered. However, like I said before, all good things come to an end. I don’t remember how the visits and adventures even stopped. They just did. I don’t remember if it was gradual or sudden. That makes me sad all in of itself.

Years went by without any contact at all, nothing.

Then we saw Mustang one day. We were driving towards the mall and stopped at a red light. The car in front of us and to the left was Mustang’s car, and he was inside. I willed him to turn around, face us. He didn’t. The light turned to green, he turned, and we went straight. Even if he had turned and seen us, he was safe to ignore us in our separate steel enclosures.

I have promised myself to one day find him. I know where he lives. I want to get some answers for myself. I’m thinking that sometime this summer will be perfect. It is the first summer without any travel commitments so I am free to go when I want. This is what I am thinking. My mom does not know this. I do know that when I told her I wanted to call him last year she said it would be a bad idea, we were out of his life, so I’m assuming she would think the same of this.

However, bad idea or not, I cannot let the man who was the closest thing to a father figure I’ve ever had, just walk out of my life forever. Who knows if I’ll have the balls to actually say anything, maybe I’ll just wait to see him. See if he looks happy, see if he looks empty inside, see if he looks whatever…

Well, that is a but more of my life… Hope you enjoyed it. = P

= )

Soul