The What If Game (Long)

Hi Everyone!

I'm currently listening to The Way I Are by Timbaland

So, everyone plays the "what if" game. What if I had gone to that party? What if I entered the race? What if I stayed with him? I have been playing the "what if" game the past couple of days. I don't like admitting that especially because of what I am "what if"ing.

Background Story

I lost one of my best friends this past year. He was really funny and someone who I could be silly around. I didn't lose him to death, but to a relationship. I met him my freshmen year in high school and hit on him immediately. I was at a party and it was full of couples and I wasn't a couple, so I figured hit up the single guy. He flirted back but nothing came of it. We had a bunch of mutual friends so we found ourselves in the same places a lot. I developed a crush. But then Summer came and I really didn't think about him all that much.

Sophomore year came around and we had lunch together, the feelings came back, tenfold. But he started dating one of my good friends. So I stepped back, girls don't steal their friend's boyfriends. Anyways, long story short, they broke up and I asked his ex-girlfriend, my friend, if she would mind if I tried, she said no. So I asked him out. It was my first time doing that, he said "what?". Literally that was his response before we had to part ways. Later that day he told me he didn't want to ruin our friendship and he thinks it would be best if we just stayed friends.

Our friendship strengthened. Once again over Summer the feelings went to the wayside, but then Junior year started. We went full force into being best friends. He asked to me to Homecoming by serenading me and giving me flowers. I, of course, said yes. I was so excited because according to all my girlfriends, and everyone, he liked me and was getting ready to ask me out.

The dance was wonderful, but the asking me out never came. People were constantly asking if we were dating, we would always smile and just say we were really close. About a month later I flat out told him that even though he didn't want our friendship ruined over a relationship our friendship would be ruined if we didn't have one because of my strong feelings. He said we could go on a "trial date". We went to a french restaurant with my french club. It was a bit expensive per person and I knew if we were really going out we wouldn't have gone someplace so expensive for the first date, so I said I would pay for myself. I went over to his house before hand and everything was going great. Then about ten minutes after we got there he told me that he "didn't like me like that". I was devastated. Not to mention he did it at the worst time possible. My friends were all around us and heard. It was the rudest way to be told, he either should have told me that before the dinner or waited an hour for dinner to be over.

Any way you look at it, we got over it and stayed friends. Although my heart was broken. I finally got over my two year on-off crush. Then Christmas came around. He had a change of heart. He told me he made the biggest mistake and that he was just scared. I didn't have the strong feelings that I did have before, but I figured those feelings couldn't just vanish could they? Well, we started dating.

The relationship was horrible. In the beginning it was good. I was happy, then we grew to hate each other. I broke up with him one day at lunch. We seemed to go back to friends, but it couldn't last. I knew too much. He was right, the relationship got in the way of the friendship. The only time we have talked since we broke up was when I found out his dad passed away and I expressed my sorrow. He didn't even want to talk to me then.

End background story.

Anyways, back to the whole "what if" game I've been playing with myself. If you couldn't already guess, I've been "what if"ing that relationship. What if I had found a way to make it work? What if we never went out? What if...

I know within myself that it was meant to never work out. Knowing that and your brain playing games with you are two different things.

Oh, I would like to say something though, he accepted me. He never degraded me, he liked me for me. It is a good person, just a bad boyfriend...

= I

Soul