Good old days?

Hi Everyone!

I'm currently listening to Size Matters by Joe Nichols.

I moved the summer before 8th grade. There were a couple reasons but one of them was my history at my old school. I have worked very hard to overcome difficulties in my life and transform it to what it is today. The past couple of weeks I have felt my precious life that I have built for myself being threatened.

I wasn't always the nicest person. Quite to the contrary, I was a mean little girl. I don't blame anyone but myself for my behavior, but I do think my surroundings called upon my actions. Growing up heavy is never easy. It is hard for me to even talk about because I know that it doesn't stop, the pain that I have buried deep won't stop hurting just because I'm not in the situation anymore.

I started gaining weight in first grade/second grade. Third grade was really bad, I was double the weight I should have been and kids were getting mean. So I cried at home until I realized I needed to grow some thick skin. I admit, I was one of those people who was "cool" because people were afraid of me. People were only my friend because they knew I would create shit for them if they were mean to me. That didn't last very long though, the few friends I did have distanced themselves from me.

Not to mention with my test scores and intelligence my school wanted to put me in an accelerated program, my mom did not want this though. She said that I should make friends with a bunch of kids instead of a select few. However the kids in my class didn't like me because I was done with worksheets that took them twenty minutes in three. The kids who were in the accelerated program didn't like me because they didn't think I belonged with them.

My bratty and outright mean attitude only got me in trouble and put distance between me and everyone else. I couldn't fit in with the advance crowd, even when my mom finally gave in to the accelerated program. So, when the option was move to a different district or me probably committing suicide within two years, we moved.

We didn't move too far away, only nine miles. But the distance is really a world apart. My old neighborhood had many more impoverished where as my new neighborhood has an average income level higher than Orange County, California. (You know, OC, the county with all the reality shows about spoiled little rich kids?) I changed my attitude and found people who care about me.

Well, Manhattan and one of my other friends work together at a local hot spot, where two people from my old school just started working. I usually go there often enough to know everyone who works there and keep up on their work gossip, however since these two girls have started working I haven't gone there once. I am so afraid that these two girls will invade my precious life by telling people what I used to be like. I have changed, I am not that girl anymore. However, I am a teenager and the past is just as much a part of the present as the present is. Judgments will be made. So I keep my distance.

I was working out today with my personal trainer. Laughing and talking as we walked through the free weight area when my breath got caught in my throat. Standing over by the bench press was the boy. You girls know who I'm talking about, the boy who caught your eye through out elementary school. He was standing right there, no more than seven feet away from me. I couldn't breathe, not because any feelings came back, but because this was MY GYM! Why can't they all just leave me alone? The scariest thing? The boy was wearing a school spirit shirt FROM MY HIGH SCHOOL! I am so frightened... what if he comes to my school next year? I just want them all to stay in their own town. I'll stay in mine...

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Soul