Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to I Know What Boys Like by The Waitresses.
So, I had work today, with Twin and Flash. I had a great time. I have spent so much time with Flash these past couple of weeks that the man who I once did not have positive feelings for has now become one of my favorite people. He is the guy all the ladies want. The fact is that he has a sort of charisma about him, and that makes him desirable. He is such a great person, a genuine, nice, funny guy.
I'm leaving my state on Saturday though, I'm soooo excited.
Okay, well, I wanted to write more, but I have a whole bunch of stuff to do...
= )
Soul
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Packing Frenzy
Hi Everyone!
I'm Currently listening to I'm a Slave for You by Britney Spears.
I did so much over the weekend. I worked, alone, on Saturday. After working I came home and helped my mom clean our house, it was a chore and a half. Oh, and when I woke up I got up and weeded for two hours, before work. So Saturday was all work and no play for me. Sunday I went and saw a musical, it was really good. I saw it with my mom, aunt and grandma. The grandma who I went to see the musical with was not Grandâme, it was my other grandma, who I shall nickname Kleenex. ANWAYS, we went to a brunch buffet before the musical and I pigged out. It was sooo delicious. It's funny because I got sort of sick. I just wasn't used to eating like that. Then they came back to my house and we chatted until the wee hours of the morning. It was very nice to just bond with family.
I have the amazing Cabbage and Twin at work, I even have another great guy there. He is awesome. That sounds so lame, awesome. He is though, we have connected over the past month like no other. He is a genuine person. What you see is what you get. I'm calling him Flash. Well, Flash has been so open with me and exposed a part of himself that makes me melt. I am a sucker for a honest person. So, he's great.
Anyways, so even though I have these three great people at work there of course is a downfall. There is a woman who works there who has the same position that I do and she never does any of her work. It is so frustrating. I have had to deal with her for the past two and a half weeks and I want to pull my hair out! I actually started contemplating quitting my job. I still might if Twin ends up leaving. See, Twin is a year older than me so she is starting college next year. Right now she is contemplating commuting or going out of state. If she quits, there is no question in my mind what I'll do.
So, I'm exhausted...
= /
Soul
I'm Currently listening to I'm a Slave for You by Britney Spears.
I did so much over the weekend. I worked, alone, on Saturday. After working I came home and helped my mom clean our house, it was a chore and a half. Oh, and when I woke up I got up and weeded for two hours, before work. So Saturday was all work and no play for me. Sunday I went and saw a musical, it was really good. I saw it with my mom, aunt and grandma. The grandma who I went to see the musical with was not Grandâme, it was my other grandma, who I shall nickname Kleenex. ANWAYS, we went to a brunch buffet before the musical and I pigged out. It was sooo delicious. It's funny because I got sort of sick. I just wasn't used to eating like that. Then they came back to my house and we chatted until the wee hours of the morning. It was very nice to just bond with family.
I have the amazing Cabbage and Twin at work, I even have another great guy there. He is awesome. That sounds so lame, awesome. He is though, we have connected over the past month like no other. He is a genuine person. What you see is what you get. I'm calling him Flash. Well, Flash has been so open with me and exposed a part of himself that makes me melt. I am a sucker for a honest person. So, he's great.
Anyways, so even though I have these three great people at work there of course is a downfall. There is a woman who works there who has the same position that I do and she never does any of her work. It is so frustrating. I have had to deal with her for the past two and a half weeks and I want to pull my hair out! I actually started contemplating quitting my job. I still might if Twin ends up leaving. See, Twin is a year older than me so she is starting college next year. Right now she is contemplating commuting or going out of state. If she quits, there is no question in my mind what I'll do.
So, I'm exhausted...
= /
Soul
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Crazy turn of life
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Imagine by Avril Lavigne.
I'm sitting in an a darkened room and thinking. How deep. =) Seriously though, something has been weighing on my mind, one of my friends and our situation. I shall call her Mail. She is a great girl. When Manhattan and I were having problems the summer between freshmen and sophomore year, Mail was always there for me. Our friendship has been the one constant throughout my high school years. No matter what we have always been there for each other. Her family treats me like a family member. I feel like we are growing into separate people though.
Mail's interests are MUCH different than mine. Also, it seems that Manhattan and I can talk about ANYTHING, and usually do, whereas Mail seems closed off. Manhattan and I are very much into girl talk and sharing every bitty little detail and Mail is a bit more naive. Not that there is a problem with that, but I feel like she talks stuff up sometimes. I despise people who amp up stories to impress others, I like her for her, but more and more recently I find that she hasn't been "her" for a while.
I don't know what to do. We had lunch yesterday, it was really sweet because I was sick and she brought lunch to me because we had set up the hang out time earlier. But when lunch went on I couldn't help but feel that there wasn't too much to talk about. We ended up looking at pictures on facebook for the last thirty minutes we hung out...
who knows though, maybe the school year will be different. Not to mention that we said we need to have a sleepover before senior year starts, I think it's a good idea...
= /
Soul
I'm currently listening to Imagine by Avril Lavigne.
I'm sitting in an a darkened room and thinking. How deep. =) Seriously though, something has been weighing on my mind, one of my friends and our situation. I shall call her Mail. She is a great girl. When Manhattan and I were having problems the summer between freshmen and sophomore year, Mail was always there for me. Our friendship has been the one constant throughout my high school years. No matter what we have always been there for each other. Her family treats me like a family member. I feel like we are growing into separate people though.
Mail's interests are MUCH different than mine. Also, it seems that Manhattan and I can talk about ANYTHING, and usually do, whereas Mail seems closed off. Manhattan and I are very much into girl talk and sharing every bitty little detail and Mail is a bit more naive. Not that there is a problem with that, but I feel like she talks stuff up sometimes. I despise people who amp up stories to impress others, I like her for her, but more and more recently I find that she hasn't been "her" for a while.
I don't know what to do. We had lunch yesterday, it was really sweet because I was sick and she brought lunch to me because we had set up the hang out time earlier. But when lunch went on I couldn't help but feel that there wasn't too much to talk about. We ended up looking at pictures on facebook for the last thirty minutes we hung out...
who knows though, maybe the school year will be different. Not to mention that we said we need to have a sleepover before senior year starts, I think it's a good idea...
= /
Soul
Decisions
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Wish You Were by Kate Voegele.
So I made a decision to go down and spend five weeks in a completely different state with my grandparents. I am really excited about it. My grandma (Grandâme will be her nickname) is amazing. I want to spend every day with her, sadly she lives a whole long plane ride away. So this is a great solution. She is one of those great people who swears and tells the best stories. She rebelled against her time period and didn't conform to society's imposements. It is really great to spend time with her.
Not to mention she lives in a gated retirement community where everyone loves me because I'm 17 and care enough to spend time with my grandparents. They all dote over me and tell me that they wish their grandkids were as nice as me. I have to admit I like the attention.
Well, I think that's it. I have bunches to do around ma maison. So, au revoir!
= )
Soul
I'm currently listening to Wish You Were by Kate Voegele.
So I made a decision to go down and spend five weeks in a completely different state with my grandparents. I am really excited about it. My grandma (Grandâme will be her nickname) is amazing. I want to spend every day with her, sadly she lives a whole long plane ride away. So this is a great solution. She is one of those great people who swears and tells the best stories. She rebelled against her time period and didn't conform to society's imposements. It is really great to spend time with her.
Not to mention she lives in a gated retirement community where everyone loves me because I'm 17 and care enough to spend time with my grandparents. They all dote over me and tell me that they wish their grandkids were as nice as me. I have to admit I like the attention.
Well, I think that's it. I have bunches to do around ma maison. So, au revoir!
= )
Soul
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Reading
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to These Walls by Teddy Geiger.
For my AP English IV class next year I have 20 books to choose 4 of which I will read. I have already eliminated the Dickens and Shakespeare which leaves me with 17 books to choose from. I am going to sort of talk through each one here. Give me your opinions too!
Bronte, Jane Eyre-
I can buy it for $4.95. It's 558 pages. "Jane Eyre is an extraordinary coming-of-age story featuring one of the most independent and strong-willed female protagonists in all of literature. Poor and plain, Jane Eyre begins life as a lonely orphan in the household of her hateful aunt. Despite the oppression sheendures at home, and the later torture of boarding school, Jane manages to emerge with her spirit and integrity unbroken. She becomes a governess at Thornfield Hall, where she finds herself falling in love with her employer—the dark, impassioned Mr. Rochester. But an explosive secret tears apart their relationship, forcing Jane to face poverty and isolation once again." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Jane-Eyre/Charlotte-Bronte/e/9781593080075/?itm=1)
Sounds interesting enough. The price is enticing but the page length can be a bit foreboding.
Chopin, The Awakening-
I can buy it for $4.50. It's 190 pages. "An American classic of sexual expression that paved the way for the modern novel, The Awakening is both a remarkable novel in its own right and a startling reminder of how far women in this century have come. The story of a married woman who pursues love outside a stuffy, middle-class marriage, the novel portrays the mind of a woman seeking fulfillment of her essential nature." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Awakening/Kate-Chopin/e/9780380002450/?itm=1)
The price and length both attract me. However I don't know if the writing style is one that will captivate me. Anyone read this??? Opinions???
Conrad, Heart of Darkness-
I can buy it for 3.95. It is 102 pages. "Horror awaits Marlow, a seaman assigned by an ivory company to retrieve a cargo boat and one of its employees, Mr. Kurtz who is stranded in the heart of the Africa, deep in the Belgian Congo. Marlow's journey up the brooding dark river soon becomes a struggle to maintain his own sanity as he witnesses the brutalization of the natives by white traders and discovers the enigmatic Mr. Kurtz. Kurtz, once a genius and the company's most successful representative, has become a savage. His compound is decorated by a row of human heads mounted on spears. The demonic mastermind, liberated from the conventions of European culture, has traded his soul to become ruler of his own horrific dominion. " (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Heart-of-Darkness/Joseph-Conrad/e/9780979660733/?itm=2)
The first part of it sounds boring but the heads on stakes part is a bit intriguing. The price and length are once again very nice numbers. This might be a good possibility if someone tells me that this is an enjoyable read...
Dostoevski, Crime and Punishment-
I can buy it for $3.50. It has 480 pages. "The poverty-stricken Raskolnikov, a talented student, devises a theory about extraordinary men being above the law, since in their brilliance they think “new thoughts” and so contribute to society. He then sets out to prove his theory by murdering a vile, cynical old pawnbroker and her sister. The act brings Raskolnikov into contact with his own buried conscience and with two characters — the deeply religious Sonia, who has endured great suffering, and Porfiry, the intelligent and discerning official who is charged with investigating the murder — both of whom compel Raskolnikov to feel the split in his nature. Dostoevsky provides readers with a suspenseful, penetrating psychological analysis that goes beyond the crime — which in the course of the novel demands drastic punishment — to reveal something about the human condition: The more we intellectualize, the more imprisoned we become." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Crime-and-Punishment/Fyodor-Dostoevsky/e/9780486415871/?itm=3)
While this sounds like an amazingly good read, I don't think it will be able to hold my attention... Anyone care to dispute?
Ellison, Invisible Man-
I already have it thanks to Mediterranean. It is 608 pages. "The nameless narrator of the novel describes growing up in a black community in the South, attending a Negro college from which he is expelled, moving to New York and becoming the chief spokesman of the Harlem branch of "the Brotherhood", and retreating amid violence and confusion to the basement lair of the Invisible Man he imagines himself to be." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Invisible-Man/Ralph-Ellison/e/9780679732761/?itm=4)
The fact that I already have it and it is annotated makes me want to read it... Mediterranean, what do you think?
Euripides, Medea-
I can get it for $4.99. It has pages 56. "Medea has been abandoned by her husband. Jason, for whom she has sacrificed so much, has left her and their two children for a younger woman. Strong-willed and fiercely intelligent, Medea turns her formidable energies to exacting the most horrifying revenge possible on those who have injured her. " (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Medea/Euripides/e/9781599869117/?itm=4#TOC)
Sounds very good. I think that this is on my list.
Faulkner, Sound and the Fury-
I can get it for 11.95. It has 448 pages. "The Sound and the Fury is made up of undifferentiated streams of consciousness that ultimately turn out to be the inner voices of a family's siblings. Its construction is so masterful that the last sentence refers the reader back to the first one, as any perfect work of art might do. Sound has the earmarks of a modern psychological study, although the book was published in 1929. It is a dramatic and harrowing tale of the Compson family's pathology—primarily in the form of incest and incestuous thoughts." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Sound-and-the-Fury/William-Faulkner/e/9780393964813/?itm=7)
Sounds really good, but I think I would rather just read it for my own pleasure and get it from the library than read it for school...
Gardner, Grendel-
I can buy it for $11.95. It has 192 pages. "The first and most terrifying monster in English literature, from the great early epic BEOWULF, tells his side of the story. " (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Grendel/John-Champlin-Gardner/e/9780679723110/?itm=4)
Ummm, I think I would need to read Beowolf... right???
Heller, Catch-22-
I can buy it for $16.00. It has 464 pages. "Arguably the best novel to come out of World War II, in which Heller strips away the veneer of martial glory to expose its insanity, and gives our language a new paradoxical phrase to describe mankind at the mercy of its own institutions." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Catch-22/Joseph-Heller/e/9780684833392/?itm=15)
I don't think this is my type of book...
James, Turn of the Screw-
I can buy it for 3.99. It has 160 pages. "Gripping ghost story by great novelist depicts the sinister transformation of 2 innocent children into flagrant liars and hypocrites. An elegantly told tale of unspoken horror and psychological terror." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Turn-of-the-Screw/Henry-James/e/9780812533415/?itm=1)
I have wanted to read this since it was featured in LOST, maybe this is my chance. It sounds good and is a reasonable price too!
Kesey, One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest-
I can buy it for $9.99. It has 336 pages. "unforgettable story of a mental ward and its inhabitants, especially the tyrannical Big Nurse Ratched and Randle Patrick McMurphy, the brawling, fun-loving new inmate who resolves to oppose her. We see the struggle through the eyes of Chief Bromden, the seemingly mute half-Indian patient who witnesses and understands McMurphy's heroic attempt to do battle with the powers that keep them all imprisoned." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/One-Flew-over-the-Cuckoos-Nest/Ken-Kesey/e/9780451163967/?itm=9)
Sounds interesting but I don't know if it one of those books that I will hate because I HAVE to read it so I should just put it off until I have some spare time...
McCullers, Ballad of the Sad Cafe-
I can buy it for $7.95. It has 160 pages. "A haunting tale of a human triangle that culminates in an astonishing brawl, the novella introduces readers to Miss Amelia, a formidable southern woman whose café serves as the town's gathering place. Among other fine works, the collection also includes "Wunderkind," McCullers's first published story written when she was only seventeen about a musical prodigy who suddenly realizes she will not go on to become a great pianist." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Ballad-of-the-Sad-Cafe/Carson-McCullers/e/9780618565863/?itm=2)
One of the reviews said it was dreary and hard to get through at some places...
Momaday, House Made of Dawn-
I can buy it for $13.00. It has 208 pages. "tells the story of a young American Indian named Abel, home from a foreign war and caught between two worlds: one his father's, wedding him to the rhythm of the seasons and the harsh beauty of the land; the other of industrial America, a goading him into a compulsive cycle of dissipation and disgust." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/House-Made-of-Dawn/N-Scott-Momaday/e/9780060931940/?itm=4)
I can pretty much tell you I'm not reading this...
Morisson, Beloved-
I can buy it for 13.95. It has 322 pages. "Sethe, its protagonist, was born a slave and escaped to Ohio, but eighteen years later she is still not free. She has too many memories of Sweet Home, the beautiful farm where so many hideous things happened. And Sethe’s new home is haunted by the ghost of her baby, who died nameless and whose tombstone is engraved with a single word: Beloved." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Beloved/Toni-Morrison/e/9781400033416/?itm=1)
No. I don't think so...
Salinger, Catcher in the Rye-
I can buy it for $6.99. It has 224 pages. "Salinger's classic coming-of-age story portrays one young man's funny and poignant experiences with life, love, and sex." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Catcher-in-the-Rye/J-D-Salinger/e/9780316769488/?itm=6)
I so badly have wanted to read this for a long time. I have heard great things. I definitely think this is on my list.
Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-
I can buy it for $13.95. It has 204 pages. "savagely comic account of what happened to this country in the 1960s. It is told through the writer's account of an assignment he undertook with his attorney to visit Las Vegas and 'check it out.' The book stands as the final word on the highs and lows of that decade, one of the defining works of our time, and a stylistic and journalistic tour de force" (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Fear-and-Loathing-in-Las-Vegas/Hunter-S-Thompson/e/9780679785897/?itm=1)
mehh...
Williams, Streetcar Named Desire-
I can buy it for 7.50. It has 142 pages. "The play reveals to the very depths the character of Blanche du Bois, a woman whose life has been undermined by her romantic illusions, which lead her to reject—so far as possible—the realities of life with which she is faced and which she consistently ignores. The pressure brought to bear upon her by her sister, with whom she goes to live in New Orleans, intensified by the earthy and extremely "normal" young husband of the latter, leads to a revelation of her tragic self-delusion and, in the end, to madness." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/A-Streetcar-Named-Desire/Tennessee-Williams/e/9780451167781/?itm=7)
I have no opinion...
= )
Soul
I'm currently listening to These Walls by Teddy Geiger.
For my AP English IV class next year I have 20 books to choose 4 of which I will read. I have already eliminated the Dickens and Shakespeare which leaves me with 17 books to choose from. I am going to sort of talk through each one here. Give me your opinions too!
Bronte, Jane Eyre-
I can buy it for $4.95. It's 558 pages. "Jane Eyre is an extraordinary coming-of-age story featuring one of the most independent and strong-willed female protagonists in all of literature. Poor and plain, Jane Eyre begins life as a lonely orphan in the household of her hateful aunt. Despite the oppression sheendures at home, and the later torture of boarding school, Jane manages to emerge with her spirit and integrity unbroken. She becomes a governess at Thornfield Hall, where she finds herself falling in love with her employer—the dark, impassioned Mr. Rochester. But an explosive secret tears apart their relationship, forcing Jane to face poverty and isolation once again." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Jane-Eyre/Charlotte-Bronte/e/9781593080075/?itm=1)
Sounds interesting enough. The price is enticing but the page length can be a bit foreboding.
Chopin, The Awakening-
I can buy it for $4.50. It's 190 pages. "An American classic of sexual expression that paved the way for the modern novel, The Awakening is both a remarkable novel in its own right and a startling reminder of how far women in this century have come. The story of a married woman who pursues love outside a stuffy, middle-class marriage, the novel portrays the mind of a woman seeking fulfillment of her essential nature." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Awakening/Kate-Chopin/e/9780380002450/?itm=1)
The price and length both attract me. However I don't know if the writing style is one that will captivate me. Anyone read this??? Opinions???
Conrad, Heart of Darkness-
I can buy it for 3.95. It is 102 pages. "Horror awaits Marlow, a seaman assigned by an ivory company to retrieve a cargo boat and one of its employees, Mr. Kurtz who is stranded in the heart of the Africa, deep in the Belgian Congo. Marlow's journey up the brooding dark river soon becomes a struggle to maintain his own sanity as he witnesses the brutalization of the natives by white traders and discovers the enigmatic Mr. Kurtz. Kurtz, once a genius and the company's most successful representative, has become a savage. His compound is decorated by a row of human heads mounted on spears. The demonic mastermind, liberated from the conventions of European culture, has traded his soul to become ruler of his own horrific dominion. " (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Heart-of-Darkness/Joseph-Conrad/e/9780979660733/?itm=2)
The first part of it sounds boring but the heads on stakes part is a bit intriguing. The price and length are once again very nice numbers. This might be a good possibility if someone tells me that this is an enjoyable read...
Dostoevski, Crime and Punishment-
I can buy it for $3.50. It has 480 pages. "The poverty-stricken Raskolnikov, a talented student, devises a theory about extraordinary men being above the law, since in their brilliance they think “new thoughts” and so contribute to society. He then sets out to prove his theory by murdering a vile, cynical old pawnbroker and her sister. The act brings Raskolnikov into contact with his own buried conscience and with two characters — the deeply religious Sonia, who has endured great suffering, and Porfiry, the intelligent and discerning official who is charged with investigating the murder — both of whom compel Raskolnikov to feel the split in his nature. Dostoevsky provides readers with a suspenseful, penetrating psychological analysis that goes beyond the crime — which in the course of the novel demands drastic punishment — to reveal something about the human condition: The more we intellectualize, the more imprisoned we become." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Crime-and-Punishment/Fyodor-Dostoevsky/e/9780486415871/?itm=3)
While this sounds like an amazingly good read, I don't think it will be able to hold my attention... Anyone care to dispute?
Ellison, Invisible Man-
I already have it thanks to Mediterranean. It is 608 pages. "The nameless narrator of the novel describes growing up in a black community in the South, attending a Negro college from which he is expelled, moving to New York and becoming the chief spokesman of the Harlem branch of "the Brotherhood", and retreating amid violence and confusion to the basement lair of the Invisible Man he imagines himself to be." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Invisible-Man/Ralph-Ellison/e/9780679732761/?itm=4)
The fact that I already have it and it is annotated makes me want to read it... Mediterranean, what do you think?
Euripides, Medea-
I can get it for $4.99. It has pages 56. "Medea has been abandoned by her husband. Jason, for whom she has sacrificed so much, has left her and their two children for a younger woman. Strong-willed and fiercely intelligent, Medea turns her formidable energies to exacting the most horrifying revenge possible on those who have injured her. " (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Medea/Euripides/e/9781599869117/?itm=4#TOC)
Sounds very good. I think that this is on my list.
Faulkner, Sound and the Fury-
I can get it for 11.95. It has 448 pages. "The Sound and the Fury is made up of undifferentiated streams of consciousness that ultimately turn out to be the inner voices of a family's siblings. Its construction is so masterful that the last sentence refers the reader back to the first one, as any perfect work of art might do. Sound has the earmarks of a modern psychological study, although the book was published in 1929. It is a dramatic and harrowing tale of the Compson family's pathology—primarily in the form of incest and incestuous thoughts." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Sound-and-the-Fury/William-Faulkner/e/9780393964813/?itm=7)
Sounds really good, but I think I would rather just read it for my own pleasure and get it from the library than read it for school...
Gardner, Grendel-
I can buy it for $11.95. It has 192 pages. "The first and most terrifying monster in English literature, from the great early epic BEOWULF, tells his side of the story. " (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Grendel/John-Champlin-Gardner/e/9780679723110/?itm=4)
Ummm, I think I would need to read Beowolf... right???
Heller, Catch-22-
I can buy it for $16.00. It has 464 pages. "Arguably the best novel to come out of World War II, in which Heller strips away the veneer of martial glory to expose its insanity, and gives our language a new paradoxical phrase to describe mankind at the mercy of its own institutions." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Catch-22/Joseph-Heller/e/9780684833392/?itm=15)
I don't think this is my type of book...
James, Turn of the Screw-
I can buy it for 3.99. It has 160 pages. "Gripping ghost story by great novelist depicts the sinister transformation of 2 innocent children into flagrant liars and hypocrites. An elegantly told tale of unspoken horror and psychological terror." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Turn-of-the-Screw/Henry-James/e/9780812533415/?itm=1)
I have wanted to read this since it was featured in LOST, maybe this is my chance. It sounds good and is a reasonable price too!
Kesey, One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest-
I can buy it for $9.99. It has 336 pages. "unforgettable story of a mental ward and its inhabitants, especially the tyrannical Big Nurse Ratched and Randle Patrick McMurphy, the brawling, fun-loving new inmate who resolves to oppose her. We see the struggle through the eyes of Chief Bromden, the seemingly mute half-Indian patient who witnesses and understands McMurphy's heroic attempt to do battle with the powers that keep them all imprisoned." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/One-Flew-over-the-Cuckoos-Nest/Ken-Kesey/e/9780451163967/?itm=9)
Sounds interesting but I don't know if it one of those books that I will hate because I HAVE to read it so I should just put it off until I have some spare time...
McCullers, Ballad of the Sad Cafe-
I can buy it for $7.95. It has 160 pages. "A haunting tale of a human triangle that culminates in an astonishing brawl, the novella introduces readers to Miss Amelia, a formidable southern woman whose café serves as the town's gathering place. Among other fine works, the collection also includes "Wunderkind," McCullers's first published story written when she was only seventeen about a musical prodigy who suddenly realizes she will not go on to become a great pianist." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Ballad-of-the-Sad-Cafe/Carson-McCullers/e/9780618565863/?itm=2)
One of the reviews said it was dreary and hard to get through at some places...
Momaday, House Made of Dawn-
I can buy it for $13.00. It has 208 pages. "tells the story of a young American Indian named Abel, home from a foreign war and caught between two worlds: one his father's, wedding him to the rhythm of the seasons and the harsh beauty of the land; the other of industrial America, a goading him into a compulsive cycle of dissipation and disgust." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/House-Made-of-Dawn/N-Scott-Momaday/e/9780060931940/?itm=4)
I can pretty much tell you I'm not reading this...
Morisson, Beloved-
I can buy it for 13.95. It has 322 pages. "Sethe, its protagonist, was born a slave and escaped to Ohio, but eighteen years later she is still not free. She has too many memories of Sweet Home, the beautiful farm where so many hideous things happened. And Sethe’s new home is haunted by the ghost of her baby, who died nameless and whose tombstone is engraved with a single word: Beloved." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Beloved/Toni-Morrison/e/9781400033416/?itm=1)
No. I don't think so...
Salinger, Catcher in the Rye-
I can buy it for $6.99. It has 224 pages. "Salinger's classic coming-of-age story portrays one young man's funny and poignant experiences with life, love, and sex." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Catcher-in-the-Rye/J-D-Salinger/e/9780316769488/?itm=6)
I so badly have wanted to read this for a long time. I have heard great things. I definitely think this is on my list.
Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-
I can buy it for $13.95. It has 204 pages. "savagely comic account of what happened to this country in the 1960s. It is told through the writer's account of an assignment he undertook with his attorney to visit Las Vegas and 'check it out.' The book stands as the final word on the highs and lows of that decade, one of the defining works of our time, and a stylistic and journalistic tour de force" (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Fear-and-Loathing-in-Las-Vegas/Hunter-S-Thompson/e/9780679785897/?itm=1)
mehh...
Williams, Streetcar Named Desire-
I can buy it for 7.50. It has 142 pages. "The play reveals to the very depths the character of Blanche du Bois, a woman whose life has been undermined by her romantic illusions, which lead her to reject—so far as possible—the realities of life with which she is faced and which she consistently ignores. The pressure brought to bear upon her by her sister, with whom she goes to live in New Orleans, intensified by the earthy and extremely "normal" young husband of the latter, leads to a revelation of her tragic self-delusion and, in the end, to madness." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/A-Streetcar-Named-Desire/Tennessee-Williams/e/9780451167781/?itm=7)
I have no opinion...
= )
Soul
Monday, June 16, 2008
Good old days?
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Size Matters by Joe Nichols.
I moved the summer before 8th grade. There were a couple reasons but one of them was my history at my old school. I have worked very hard to overcome difficulties in my life and transform it to what it is today. The past couple of weeks I have felt my precious life that I have built for myself being threatened.
I wasn't always the nicest person. Quite to the contrary, I was a mean little girl. I don't blame anyone but myself for my behavior, but I do think my surroundings called upon my actions. Growing up heavy is never easy. It is hard for me to even talk about because I know that it doesn't stop, the pain that I have buried deep won't stop hurting just because I'm not in the situation anymore.
I started gaining weight in first grade/second grade. Third grade was really bad, I was double the weight I should have been and kids were getting mean. So I cried at home until I realized I needed to grow some thick skin. I admit, I was one of those people who was "cool" because people were afraid of me. People were only my friend because they knew I would create shit for them if they were mean to me. That didn't last very long though, the few friends I did have distanced themselves from me.
Not to mention with my test scores and intelligence my school wanted to put me in an accelerated program, my mom did not want this though. She said that I should make friends with a bunch of kids instead of a select few. However the kids in my class didn't like me because I was done with worksheets that took them twenty minutes in three. The kids who were in the accelerated program didn't like me because they didn't think I belonged with them.
My bratty and outright mean attitude only got me in trouble and put distance between me and everyone else. I couldn't fit in with the advance crowd, even when my mom finally gave in to the accelerated program. So, when the option was move to a different district or me probably committing suicide within two years, we moved.
We didn't move too far away, only nine miles. But the distance is really a world apart. My old neighborhood had many more impoverished where as my new neighborhood has an average income level higher than Orange County, California. (You know, OC, the county with all the reality shows about spoiled little rich kids?) I changed my attitude and found people who care about me.
Well, Manhattan and one of my other friends work together at a local hot spot, where two people from my old school just started working. I usually go there often enough to know everyone who works there and keep up on their work gossip, however since these two girls have started working I haven't gone there once. I am so afraid that these two girls will invade my precious life by telling people what I used to be like. I have changed, I am not that girl anymore. However, I am a teenager and the past is just as much a part of the present as the present is. Judgments will be made. So I keep my distance.
I was working out today with my personal trainer. Laughing and talking as we walked through the free weight area when my breath got caught in my throat. Standing over by the bench press was the boy. You girls know who I'm talking about, the boy who caught your eye through out elementary school. He was standing right there, no more than seven feet away from me. I couldn't breathe, not because any feelings came back, but because this was MY GYM! Why can't they all just leave me alone? The scariest thing? The boy was wearing a school spirit shirt FROM MY HIGH SCHOOL! I am so frightened... what if he comes to my school next year? I just want them all to stay in their own town. I'll stay in mine...
= (
Soul
I'm currently listening to Size Matters by Joe Nichols.
I moved the summer before 8th grade. There were a couple reasons but one of them was my history at my old school. I have worked very hard to overcome difficulties in my life and transform it to what it is today. The past couple of weeks I have felt my precious life that I have built for myself being threatened.
I wasn't always the nicest person. Quite to the contrary, I was a mean little girl. I don't blame anyone but myself for my behavior, but I do think my surroundings called upon my actions. Growing up heavy is never easy. It is hard for me to even talk about because I know that it doesn't stop, the pain that I have buried deep won't stop hurting just because I'm not in the situation anymore.
I started gaining weight in first grade/second grade. Third grade was really bad, I was double the weight I should have been and kids were getting mean. So I cried at home until I realized I needed to grow some thick skin. I admit, I was one of those people who was "cool" because people were afraid of me. People were only my friend because they knew I would create shit for them if they were mean to me. That didn't last very long though, the few friends I did have distanced themselves from me.
Not to mention with my test scores and intelligence my school wanted to put me in an accelerated program, my mom did not want this though. She said that I should make friends with a bunch of kids instead of a select few. However the kids in my class didn't like me because I was done with worksheets that took them twenty minutes in three. The kids who were in the accelerated program didn't like me because they didn't think I belonged with them.
My bratty and outright mean attitude only got me in trouble and put distance between me and everyone else. I couldn't fit in with the advance crowd, even when my mom finally gave in to the accelerated program. So, when the option was move to a different district or me probably committing suicide within two years, we moved.
We didn't move too far away, only nine miles. But the distance is really a world apart. My old neighborhood had many more impoverished where as my new neighborhood has an average income level higher than Orange County, California. (You know, OC, the county with all the reality shows about spoiled little rich kids?) I changed my attitude and found people who care about me.
Well, Manhattan and one of my other friends work together at a local hot spot, where two people from my old school just started working. I usually go there often enough to know everyone who works there and keep up on their work gossip, however since these two girls have started working I haven't gone there once. I am so afraid that these two girls will invade my precious life by telling people what I used to be like. I have changed, I am not that girl anymore. However, I am a teenager and the past is just as much a part of the present as the present is. Judgments will be made. So I keep my distance.
I was working out today with my personal trainer. Laughing and talking as we walked through the free weight area when my breath got caught in my throat. Standing over by the bench press was the boy. You girls know who I'm talking about, the boy who caught your eye through out elementary school. He was standing right there, no more than seven feet away from me. I couldn't breathe, not because any feelings came back, but because this was MY GYM! Why can't they all just leave me alone? The scariest thing? The boy was wearing a school spirit shirt FROM MY HIGH SCHOOL! I am so frightened... what if he comes to my school next year? I just want them all to stay in their own town. I'll stay in mine...
= (
Soul
Just to break my fall
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Fidelity by Regina Spektor.
Well, I was at the library today and picked up two books, Offbeat Museums: The Collections and Curators of America's Most Unusual Museums and 2008 Photographer's Market. So, there is a museum I wouldn't mind visiting so I am going to tell you about it...
http://www.mum.org - The museum of menstruation. I have always had a fascination with menstruating. How did they deal with it in the 300s? Just bizarre questions that no one seems to know the answers to. People didn't document women bleeding from their vaginas as much as their recent boar kill...
Thought it was interesting...
= )
Soul
I'm currently listening to Fidelity by Regina Spektor.
Well, I was at the library today and picked up two books, Offbeat Museums: The Collections and Curators of America's Most Unusual Museums and 2008 Photographer's Market. So, there is a museum I wouldn't mind visiting so I am going to tell you about it...
http://www.mum.org - The museum of menstruation. I have always had a fascination with menstruating. How did they deal with it in the 300s? Just bizarre questions that no one seems to know the answers to. People didn't document women bleeding from their vaginas as much as their recent boar kill...
Thought it was interesting...
= )
Soul
Thursday, June 12, 2008
What I want in a guy...
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Won't Go Home without you by Maroon 5
-I just want someone who knows what I'm feeling by just looking at me (this can be attained by just knowing me for a while)
-I want someone who will sing to me no matter how bad his voice is
-I want someone who just dances with me
-I want someone who is constantly kissing me and hugging me and holds my hand
-I want someone who can make me smile by just giving me a look
-I want someone who genuinely gets along with my mom
-I want someone who knows all my favorites (such as my favorite flower is lilies)
-I want someone who is taller than me (which is easy because I'm only 5' 1")
- I want someone who will never cheat on me
-I want someone who I can always trust
-I want someone who makes me laugh and has a good sense of humor.
-I want someone who is intelligent.
-I want someone who reads.
-I want someone who loves music.
-I want someone who asks about my cousins (they are very important to me).
-I want someone who doesn't mind it when I'm wearing jeans and a hoodie.
-I want someone who calls me at midnight on my birthday so they can be the first person to say happy birthday.
-I want someone who I can just walk and talk with.
-I want someone who has the ability to break my heart and hurt me so badly but would never dream of it.
-I want someone who will do goofy things with me and not care what anyone else says or thinks.
-I want someone who doesn't care how much I talk.
-I want someone who doesn't mind that I cry at almost every movie.
-I want someone who will go to the beach with me and watch the sunset.
-I want someone who I can tell all my secrets to and know they'll never judge me.
-I want someone who will walk in the rain with me.
-I want someone who will let me cuddle with him when we are watching a movie, out at a restaurant, or anywhere.
-I just want someone who will love me for want I am, not what people tell them I am.
-I just want someone who will take the time to really get to know me.
I'm currently listening to Won't Go Home without you by Maroon 5
-I just want someone who knows what I'm feeling by just looking at me (this can be attained by just knowing me for a while)
-I want someone who will sing to me no matter how bad his voice is
-I want someone who just dances with me
-I want someone who is constantly kissing me and hugging me and holds my hand
-I want someone who can make me smile by just giving me a look
-I want someone who genuinely gets along with my mom
-I want someone who knows all my favorites (such as my favorite flower is lilies)
-I want someone who is taller than me (which is easy because I'm only 5' 1")
- I want someone who will never cheat on me
-I want someone who I can always trust
-I want someone who makes me laugh and has a good sense of humor.
-I want someone who is intelligent.
-I want someone who reads.
-I want someone who loves music.
-I want someone who asks about my cousins (they are very important to me).
-I want someone who doesn't mind it when I'm wearing jeans and a hoodie.
-I want someone who calls me at midnight on my birthday so they can be the first person to say happy birthday.
-I want someone who I can just walk and talk with.
-I want someone who has the ability to break my heart and hurt me so badly but would never dream of it.
-I want someone who will do goofy things with me and not care what anyone else says or thinks.
-I want someone who doesn't care how much I talk.
-I want someone who doesn't mind that I cry at almost every movie.
-I want someone who will go to the beach with me and watch the sunset.
-I want someone who I can tell all my secrets to and know they'll never judge me.
-I want someone who will walk in the rain with me.
-I want someone who will let me cuddle with him when we are watching a movie, out at a restaurant, or anywhere.
-I just want someone who will love me for want I am, not what people tell them I am.
-I just want someone who will take the time to really get to know me.
Anything you think I'm missing? What do you want? Comments?
=)
Soul
Drugs and Rock & Roll
Hi Everyone!
I’m currently listening to Apologize by Timbaland feat. OneRepublic.
So I just got finished watching Real World: Hollywood. In this episode Joey read his goodbye letter to alcohol and drugs. I was in tears. My last post was about my father, and this one is too. I was crying for multiple reasons, one of them being that I like Joey and don’t want to see him leave the show. It’s hard to see someone who is a real person just up and leave, especially after going through such a journey in front of millions of people.
Another, more personal, reason was my father. My father was a drug addict and an alcoholic. My mom says he was a good man, when he was himself, free of that influence. His life decision to do drugs has led to my life decision to never do drugs. Even though I know he is in a better place now, I sometimes wonder about why he couldn’t sober up.
I know it is hard to do, but other people do it. I wonder if knowing me wasn’t a good enough reason. I sometimes hate myself for not being enough for him. I know it’s not like that, I know that’s not the process. It’s not my fault. However, I can still think it. I wonder what my life could have been like if he had just cleaned his act up, and been a good father.
While he might have never been there for me, he did one thing right by me, I will never do drugs. I know it. I don’t have a desire to, I never will. Of that I am certain…
= /
Soul
I’m currently listening to Apologize by Timbaland feat. OneRepublic.
So I just got finished watching Real World: Hollywood. In this episode Joey read his goodbye letter to alcohol and drugs. I was in tears. My last post was about my father, and this one is too. I was crying for multiple reasons, one of them being that I like Joey and don’t want to see him leave the show. It’s hard to see someone who is a real person just up and leave, especially after going through such a journey in front of millions of people.
Another, more personal, reason was my father. My father was a drug addict and an alcoholic. My mom says he was a good man, when he was himself, free of that influence. His life decision to do drugs has led to my life decision to never do drugs. Even though I know he is in a better place now, I sometimes wonder about why he couldn’t sober up.
I know it is hard to do, but other people do it. I wonder if knowing me wasn’t a good enough reason. I sometimes hate myself for not being enough for him. I know it’s not like that, I know that’s not the process. It’s not my fault. However, I can still think it. I wonder what my life could have been like if he had just cleaned his act up, and been a good father.
While he might have never been there for me, he did one thing right by me, I will never do drugs. I know it. I don’t have a desire to, I never will. Of that I am certain…
= /
Soul
Saturday, June 7, 2008
My Father
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to What Hurts the Most (Radio Mix US) by Cascada.
So, my father has been weighing on my mind lately, well for a day or two. On the common application for colleges they ask you about your parent's status. I had to write divorced then deceased for my father. My father died five years ago now. I was in seventh grade. It is still strange to think about. I couldn't really talk about it, not because it hurt, but because no one would understand.
A lot of people say that no one will understand or something like that. Here's the thing though, I wasn't hurting over the fact that he died. I know that sounds bad, but I wasn't. Well, now I sound like a bitch, let me explain...
Background Story...
I was two years old when my mom divorced my dad. He wanted me but my mom got custody, he got visitation rights every other weekend. One catch though was the fact that my grandparents or mom had to be there too. In other words, he wasn't allowed to be alone with me. Most of time it was just my grandparent's and me every other weekend. He wasn't reliable. My grandparent's ended up moving out of state a couple of years after my parent's got divorced. My dad wanted visitation, just me and him. My mom said no, rightly so.
My dad was into some pretty bad illegal stuff. He constantly jumped from job to job. He was the epitome of a dead beat dad. He left the state, without telling anyone, for a couple of years. He would call me every single birthday though. No matter how messed up he was, I would always get that phone call.
Well, he came back into the state where I live and, of course, he wanted to see me. I said no, I didn't want to. I didn't know him... Well fast forward a couple of years. I started talking to him on the phone to establish a relationship. We decided to meet at a crowded safe place, a McDonalds. My mom and I went to that McDonalds, and waited, and waited, and waited. My heartbroke as I finished my McMeal and he wasn't there. I cried. We went home after waiting for two hours. The phone was ringing as soon as we entered our home. It was him. He was waiting a different McDonalds on the same street, just a different corner. Instead of being an adult and planning it for the next weekend, he yelled and screamed. He essentially scared me shitless. I stopped contact.
A couple of years later I saw him at my baby cousin's first birthday party. It was my first time seeing him in years. I decided it was time to keep in contact. I was getting ready to ask him if he wanted to meet. One night he called me, my mom and I were watching the Scooby Doo movie. He sounded different, far away. My mom got on the phone and heard that he was high and told him never to call me again when he was in that state. I didn't say "I love you". Two days later my dad killed himself. He was trying to overdose the night he called me but had such a high tolerance to drugs that he literally couldn't OD.
End of Background Story.
While I was sad that I never got to really know my dad, I never really got to know him, so how could I miss him? I didn't cry. I never got to know my father, I couldn't really mourn him. To this day I don't really notice, to me it's just like he's not calling once again. People tell me they are sorry for my loss. I used to say "I'm not" when they would say that, but now I just realize it's just something people say to make themselves feel better when I tell them I lost a parent.
I just figured out for myself though that I am sorry too though. Not because he died, but because I never got to know my father. For that I am truly sorry.
= I
Soul
I'm currently listening to What Hurts the Most (Radio Mix US) by Cascada.
So, my father has been weighing on my mind lately, well for a day or two. On the common application for colleges they ask you about your parent's status. I had to write divorced then deceased for my father. My father died five years ago now. I was in seventh grade. It is still strange to think about. I couldn't really talk about it, not because it hurt, but because no one would understand.
A lot of people say that no one will understand or something like that. Here's the thing though, I wasn't hurting over the fact that he died. I know that sounds bad, but I wasn't. Well, now I sound like a bitch, let me explain...
Background Story...
I was two years old when my mom divorced my dad. He wanted me but my mom got custody, he got visitation rights every other weekend. One catch though was the fact that my grandparents or mom had to be there too. In other words, he wasn't allowed to be alone with me. Most of time it was just my grandparent's and me every other weekend. He wasn't reliable. My grandparent's ended up moving out of state a couple of years after my parent's got divorced. My dad wanted visitation, just me and him. My mom said no, rightly so.
My dad was into some pretty bad illegal stuff. He constantly jumped from job to job. He was the epitome of a dead beat dad. He left the state, without telling anyone, for a couple of years. He would call me every single birthday though. No matter how messed up he was, I would always get that phone call.
Well, he came back into the state where I live and, of course, he wanted to see me. I said no, I didn't want to. I didn't know him... Well fast forward a couple of years. I started talking to him on the phone to establish a relationship. We decided to meet at a crowded safe place, a McDonalds. My mom and I went to that McDonalds, and waited, and waited, and waited. My heartbroke as I finished my McMeal and he wasn't there. I cried. We went home after waiting for two hours. The phone was ringing as soon as we entered our home. It was him. He was waiting a different McDonalds on the same street, just a different corner. Instead of being an adult and planning it for the next weekend, he yelled and screamed. He essentially scared me shitless. I stopped contact.
A couple of years later I saw him at my baby cousin's first birthday party. It was my first time seeing him in years. I decided it was time to keep in contact. I was getting ready to ask him if he wanted to meet. One night he called me, my mom and I were watching the Scooby Doo movie. He sounded different, far away. My mom got on the phone and heard that he was high and told him never to call me again when he was in that state. I didn't say "I love you". Two days later my dad killed himself. He was trying to overdose the night he called me but had such a high tolerance to drugs that he literally couldn't OD.
End of Background Story.
While I was sad that I never got to really know my dad, I never really got to know him, so how could I miss him? I didn't cry. I never got to know my father, I couldn't really mourn him. To this day I don't really notice, to me it's just like he's not calling once again. People tell me they are sorry for my loss. I used to say "I'm not" when they would say that, but now I just realize it's just something people say to make themselves feel better when I tell them I lost a parent.
I just figured out for myself though that I am sorry too though. Not because he died, but because I never got to know my father. For that I am truly sorry.
= I
Soul
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The What If Game (Long)
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to The Way I Are by Timbaland
So, everyone plays the "what if" game. What if I had gone to that party? What if I entered the race? What if I stayed with him? I have been playing the "what if" game the past couple of days. I don't like admitting that especially because of what I am "what if"ing.
Background Story
I lost one of my best friends this past year. He was really funny and someone who I could be silly around. I didn't lose him to death, but to a relationship. I met him my freshmen year in high school and hit on him immediately. I was at a party and it was full of couples and I wasn't a couple, so I figured hit up the single guy. He flirted back but nothing came of it. We had a bunch of mutual friends so we found ourselves in the same places a lot. I developed a crush. But then Summer came and I really didn't think about him all that much.
Sophomore year came around and we had lunch together, the feelings came back, tenfold. But he started dating one of my good friends. So I stepped back, girls don't steal their friend's boyfriends. Anyways, long story short, they broke up and I asked his ex-girlfriend, my friend, if she would mind if I tried, she said no. So I asked him out. It was my first time doing that, he said "what?". Literally that was his response before we had to part ways. Later that day he told me he didn't want to ruin our friendship and he thinks it would be best if we just stayed friends.
Our friendship strengthened. Once again over Summer the feelings went to the wayside, but then Junior year started. We went full force into being best friends. He asked to me to Homecoming by serenading me and giving me flowers. I, of course, said yes. I was so excited because according to all my girlfriends, and everyone, he liked me and was getting ready to ask me out.
The dance was wonderful, but the asking me out never came. People were constantly asking if we were dating, we would always smile and just say we were really close. About a month later I flat out told him that even though he didn't want our friendship ruined over a relationship our friendship would be ruined if we didn't have one because of my strong feelings. He said we could go on a "trial date". We went to a french restaurant with my french club. It was a bit expensive per person and I knew if we were really going out we wouldn't have gone someplace so expensive for the first date, so I said I would pay for myself. I went over to his house before hand and everything was going great. Then about ten minutes after we got there he told me that he "didn't like me like that". I was devastated. Not to mention he did it at the worst time possible. My friends were all around us and heard. It was the rudest way to be told, he either should have told me that before the dinner or waited an hour for dinner to be over.
Any way you look at it, we got over it and stayed friends. Although my heart was broken. I finally got over my two year on-off crush. Then Christmas came around. He had a change of heart. He told me he made the biggest mistake and that he was just scared. I didn't have the strong feelings that I did have before, but I figured those feelings couldn't just vanish could they? Well, we started dating.
The relationship was horrible. In the beginning it was good. I was happy, then we grew to hate each other. I broke up with him one day at lunch. We seemed to go back to friends, but it couldn't last. I knew too much. He was right, the relationship got in the way of the friendship. The only time we have talked since we broke up was when I found out his dad passed away and I expressed my sorrow. He didn't even want to talk to me then.
End background story.
Anyways, back to the whole "what if" game I've been playing with myself. If you couldn't already guess, I've been "what if"ing that relationship. What if I had found a way to make it work? What if we never went out? What if...
I know within myself that it was meant to never work out. Knowing that and your brain playing games with you are two different things.
Oh, I would like to say something though, he accepted me. He never degraded me, he liked me for me. It is a good person, just a bad boyfriend...
= I
Soul
I'm currently listening to The Way I Are by Timbaland
So, everyone plays the "what if" game. What if I had gone to that party? What if I entered the race? What if I stayed with him? I have been playing the "what if" game the past couple of days. I don't like admitting that especially because of what I am "what if"ing.
Background Story
I lost one of my best friends this past year. He was really funny and someone who I could be silly around. I didn't lose him to death, but to a relationship. I met him my freshmen year in high school and hit on him immediately. I was at a party and it was full of couples and I wasn't a couple, so I figured hit up the single guy. He flirted back but nothing came of it. We had a bunch of mutual friends so we found ourselves in the same places a lot. I developed a crush. But then Summer came and I really didn't think about him all that much.
Sophomore year came around and we had lunch together, the feelings came back, tenfold. But he started dating one of my good friends. So I stepped back, girls don't steal their friend's boyfriends. Anyways, long story short, they broke up and I asked his ex-girlfriend, my friend, if she would mind if I tried, she said no. So I asked him out. It was my first time doing that, he said "what?". Literally that was his response before we had to part ways. Later that day he told me he didn't want to ruin our friendship and he thinks it would be best if we just stayed friends.
Our friendship strengthened. Once again over Summer the feelings went to the wayside, but then Junior year started. We went full force into being best friends. He asked to me to Homecoming by serenading me and giving me flowers. I, of course, said yes. I was so excited because according to all my girlfriends, and everyone, he liked me and was getting ready to ask me out.
The dance was wonderful, but the asking me out never came. People were constantly asking if we were dating, we would always smile and just say we were really close. About a month later I flat out told him that even though he didn't want our friendship ruined over a relationship our friendship would be ruined if we didn't have one because of my strong feelings. He said we could go on a "trial date". We went to a french restaurant with my french club. It was a bit expensive per person and I knew if we were really going out we wouldn't have gone someplace so expensive for the first date, so I said I would pay for myself. I went over to his house before hand and everything was going great. Then about ten minutes after we got there he told me that he "didn't like me like that". I was devastated. Not to mention he did it at the worst time possible. My friends were all around us and heard. It was the rudest way to be told, he either should have told me that before the dinner or waited an hour for dinner to be over.
Any way you look at it, we got over it and stayed friends. Although my heart was broken. I finally got over my two year on-off crush. Then Christmas came around. He had a change of heart. He told me he made the biggest mistake and that he was just scared. I didn't have the strong feelings that I did have before, but I figured those feelings couldn't just vanish could they? Well, we started dating.
The relationship was horrible. In the beginning it was good. I was happy, then we grew to hate each other. I broke up with him one day at lunch. We seemed to go back to friends, but it couldn't last. I knew too much. He was right, the relationship got in the way of the friendship. The only time we have talked since we broke up was when I found out his dad passed away and I expressed my sorrow. He didn't even want to talk to me then.
End background story.
Anyways, back to the whole "what if" game I've been playing with myself. If you couldn't already guess, I've been "what if"ing that relationship. What if I had found a way to make it work? What if we never went out? What if...
I know within myself that it was meant to never work out. Knowing that and your brain playing games with you are two different things.
Oh, I would like to say something though, he accepted me. He never degraded me, he liked me for me. It is a good person, just a bad boyfriend...
= I
Soul
Welts, Boils, and HEAT!
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Fake It by Seether
I am hot. While I am hot in the physical sense, right now I'm talking about the temperature. I am a fan of tans and ice cream, but not a fan of hotness. My perfect temperature is between 72-78 degrees. If it could be like that year round I would be perfectly happy. Usually just lounging around and chillin at my house is good enough that I just let the heat factor go by the wayside, but it is coupled with work today. Not work with Cabbage or Twin, that would be a welcomed escape, but housework. Housework is the worse kind of work in my mind.
To procrastinate I am writing here. I actually have succeeded in procrastinating, I have finished watching my Sex and the City shows that I hadn't, watching Tila Tequila's Shot at Love (a guilty pleasure(Lisa and George should have stayed and Kristy and JERSEY should have gone if you want my opinion)), and an episode of Top Chef. You can say that the television is my weakness.
I don't like that though. I don't think of it as a weakness, more of a relaxation tool. I mean, I just ended school YESTERDAY and what am I assigned to do? Housework! I know once it is done I'll be happy, but for now I am dreading it...
= (
Soul
I'm currently listening to Fake It by Seether
I am hot. While I am hot in the physical sense, right now I'm talking about the temperature. I am a fan of tans and ice cream, but not a fan of hotness. My perfect temperature is between 72-78 degrees. If it could be like that year round I would be perfectly happy. Usually just lounging around and chillin at my house is good enough that I just let the heat factor go by the wayside, but it is coupled with work today. Not work with Cabbage or Twin, that would be a welcomed escape, but housework. Housework is the worse kind of work in my mind.
To procrastinate I am writing here. I actually have succeeded in procrastinating, I have finished watching my Sex and the City shows that I hadn't, watching Tila Tequila's Shot at Love (a guilty pleasure(Lisa and George should have stayed and Kristy and JERSEY should have gone if you want my opinion)), and an episode of Top Chef. You can say that the television is my weakness.
I don't like that though. I don't think of it as a weakness, more of a relaxation tool. I mean, I just ended school YESTERDAY and what am I assigned to do? Housework! I know once it is done I'll be happy, but for now I am dreading it...
= (
Soul
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Diet Coke and Homemade Tacos!
Hi Everyone!
I'm Currently Listening to Hot in Herre by Nelly
Okay, now to something that literally just happened, breaking news... I feel like such an idiot! Twin just called me to say when she was coming into work, and I feel like such an idiot! Well, here's the (paraphrased) convo...
Me: Hey!
Twin: Hey are you at work?
Me: Yeah, I'm in
Twin: Oh well my little brother has a friend over and they want me to make something for them
Me: you want me to come over? (background info- Twin lives right near our place of employment)
Twin: Um, if you want to
Me: (feeling like an idiot already because I just invited myself over and I hate that) oh no no no, I have stuff to eat, I'll see you when you get here.
UGH! I hate myself! I feel like a complete idiot. Blah!
Other than that though I had an amazing day. It was my last day as a junior and I am doing terrifically! I can't believe I am a senior. It is such a crazy thing to think that I have already gone through three years of high school. It feels like it just started yesterday and at the same time it feels like I've been there forever. I'll write more about that within the next two days.
Thanks for taking this crazy life journey with me!
= )
Soul
I'm Currently Listening to Hot in Herre by Nelly
Okay, now to something that literally just happened, breaking news... I feel like such an idiot! Twin just called me to say when she was coming into work, and I feel like such an idiot! Well, here's the (paraphrased) convo...
Me: Hey!
Twin: Hey are you at work?
Me: Yeah, I'm in
Twin: Oh well my little brother has a friend over and they want me to make something for them
Me: you want me to come over? (background info- Twin lives right near our place of employment)
Twin: Um, if you want to
Me: (feeling like an idiot already because I just invited myself over and I hate that) oh no no no, I have stuff to eat, I'll see you when you get here.
UGH! I hate myself! I feel like a complete idiot. Blah!
Other than that though I had an amazing day. It was my last day as a junior and I am doing terrifically! I can't believe I am a senior. It is such a crazy thing to think that I have already gone through three years of high school. It feels like it just started yesterday and at the same time it feels like I've been there forever. I'll write more about that within the next two days.
Thanks for taking this crazy life journey with me!
= )
Soul
Monday, June 2, 2008
Ohhhh, Tainted Love
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Tainted Love by The Pussycat Dolls.
Summer is quickly approaching. I have a sort of apprehension towards it. I know that it will be fun, but I have always gone away for the summer. In fact the last time I stayed in my state was when I could show you how old I was on my hands. I have never had to keep up friendships or be involved in the summer drama that keeps up with teenagers. My friends and I stayed in contact through calls and the web. However now I am worried that I won't be a good summer person. I really want to hang out with multiple number of people but what if it doesn't work out?
It is sort of an anxious feeling. I worry about things way too easily. I really never need to worry about what I worry about. Once I asked my boyfriend where we were going to sit on a car ride that was scheduled two weeks later. I just get really easily worried.
I most of the time worry about my friends. What if they aren't really my friends? What if they are just being nice? What if they talk about me behind my back? Just a plethra of questions. hmmmm... So that's my worried life.
= )
Soul
I'm currently listening to Tainted Love by The Pussycat Dolls.
Summer is quickly approaching. I have a sort of apprehension towards it. I know that it will be fun, but I have always gone away for the summer. In fact the last time I stayed in my state was when I could show you how old I was on my hands. I have never had to keep up friendships or be involved in the summer drama that keeps up with teenagers. My friends and I stayed in contact through calls and the web. However now I am worried that I won't be a good summer person. I really want to hang out with multiple number of people but what if it doesn't work out?
It is sort of an anxious feeling. I worry about things way too easily. I really never need to worry about what I worry about. Once I asked my boyfriend where we were going to sit on a car ride that was scheduled two weeks later. I just get really easily worried.
I most of the time worry about my friends. What if they aren't really my friends? What if they are just being nice? What if they talk about me behind my back? Just a plethra of questions. hmmmm... So that's my worried life.
= )
Soul
Sunday, June 1, 2008
With Love and Heartache
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Won't Go Home Without You on by Maroon 5
This weekend has been jammed packed with me and I can't seem to think straight. I had work on Friday, with Cabbage. It was nice to see him and talk. One plus about him is that if I'm down he'll try and cheer me up. He always does a great job too. It's just nice to know that people truly care.
After work though I had to go workout. I was really excited to go see my personal trainer. I hadn't seen her in a while because I had babysat the previous Friday and the Friday before that she had cancelled. So for me it was a long time. My mom and I get in there and start on our cardio. At six my mom goes up to the trainers' desk and asks where our trainer is. The trainer who was sitting there told us that she had quit and we were going to be working out with someone else. I was PISSED. I couldn't believe that no one had called us and told us that she was gone. They just scheduled us with this random other trainer. We were also quite upset because we just bought a new package from our personal trainer. In which we dropped quite a load of money. We would have never done that if we had known that she was going to quit. That's besides the point though. I'm just really sad that she isn't going to be there anymore. I actually cried on the way home. Balled my eyes out. = ( We'll see how this new trainer works out...
That was Friday. I slept for fifteen hours Friday night. It was much needed and felt GREAT! Saturday was work and boring night. Truly nothing really exciting went on in my life. Well, something did, but nothing that I feel like hashing over here.
Sunday (today) is when the fun happened. I went to Mediterranean's Graduation party. I had a blast. I was playing a game with a couple of friends and let something slip that I didn't mean to. I usually don't admit to a couple of mistakes that happened my freshmen year. I wasn't thinking and mindlessly admitted to doing something that my closest friends don't even know. Not people that I've known for years. I let it slip though. How could I have done that? It was stupid of me to do so. I feel that by admitting it I am showing a weakness. I have been damaged though, nothing about me is what it seems.
I don't tell too many people what happened to me years ago. It is hard for me to write here because I know two of my real life friends read this. I don't know if I want to reveal that much of myself here. I'll save my damaged troubled life for another post. For now I am going to bed. With a heavy heart and much on my mind.
Oh, but I really had a blast at Mediterranean's party. She is a great girl and I really enjoyed spending time with her.
= /
Soul
I'm currently listening to Won't Go Home Without You on by Maroon 5
This weekend has been jammed packed with me and I can't seem to think straight. I had work on Friday, with Cabbage. It was nice to see him and talk. One plus about him is that if I'm down he'll try and cheer me up. He always does a great job too. It's just nice to know that people truly care.
After work though I had to go workout. I was really excited to go see my personal trainer. I hadn't seen her in a while because I had babysat the previous Friday and the Friday before that she had cancelled. So for me it was a long time. My mom and I get in there and start on our cardio. At six my mom goes up to the trainers' desk and asks where our trainer is. The trainer who was sitting there told us that she had quit and we were going to be working out with someone else. I was PISSED. I couldn't believe that no one had called us and told us that she was gone. They just scheduled us with this random other trainer. We were also quite upset because we just bought a new package from our personal trainer. In which we dropped quite a load of money. We would have never done that if we had known that she was going to quit. That's besides the point though. I'm just really sad that she isn't going to be there anymore. I actually cried on the way home. Balled my eyes out. = ( We'll see how this new trainer works out...
That was Friday. I slept for fifteen hours Friday night. It was much needed and felt GREAT! Saturday was work and boring night. Truly nothing really exciting went on in my life. Well, something did, but nothing that I feel like hashing over here.
Sunday (today) is when the fun happened. I went to Mediterranean's Graduation party. I had a blast. I was playing a game with a couple of friends and let something slip that I didn't mean to. I usually don't admit to a couple of mistakes that happened my freshmen year. I wasn't thinking and mindlessly admitted to doing something that my closest friends don't even know. Not people that I've known for years. I let it slip though. How could I have done that? It was stupid of me to do so. I feel that by admitting it I am showing a weakness. I have been damaged though, nothing about me is what it seems.
I don't tell too many people what happened to me years ago. It is hard for me to write here because I know two of my real life friends read this. I don't know if I want to reveal that much of myself here. I'll save my damaged troubled life for another post. For now I am going to bed. With a heavy heart and much on my mind.
Oh, but I really had a blast at Mediterranean's party. She is a great girl and I really enjoyed spending time with her.
= /
Soul
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