Hi Everyone!
I’m currently listening to Apologize by Timbaland feat. OneRepublic.
So I just got finished watching Real World: Hollywood. In this episode Joey read his goodbye letter to alcohol and drugs. I was in tears. My last post was about my father, and this one is too. I was crying for multiple reasons, one of them being that I like Joey and don’t want to see him leave the show. It’s hard to see someone who is a real person just up and leave, especially after going through such a journey in front of millions of people.
Another, more personal, reason was my father. My father was a drug addict and an alcoholic. My mom says he was a good man, when he was himself, free of that influence. His life decision to do drugs has led to my life decision to never do drugs. Even though I know he is in a better place now, I sometimes wonder about why he couldn’t sober up.
I know it is hard to do, but other people do it. I wonder if knowing me wasn’t a good enough reason. I sometimes hate myself for not being enough for him. I know it’s not like that, I know that’s not the process. It’s not my fault. However, I can still think it. I wonder what my life could have been like if he had just cleaned his act up, and been a good father.
While he might have never been there for me, he did one thing right by me, I will never do drugs. I know it. I don’t have a desire to, I never will. Of that I am certain…
= /
Soul
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
My Father
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to What Hurts the Most (Radio Mix US) by Cascada.
So, my father has been weighing on my mind lately, well for a day or two. On the common application for colleges they ask you about your parent's status. I had to write divorced then deceased for my father. My father died five years ago now. I was in seventh grade. It is still strange to think about. I couldn't really talk about it, not because it hurt, but because no one would understand.
A lot of people say that no one will understand or something like that. Here's the thing though, I wasn't hurting over the fact that he died. I know that sounds bad, but I wasn't. Well, now I sound like a bitch, let me explain...
Background Story...
I was two years old when my mom divorced my dad. He wanted me but my mom got custody, he got visitation rights every other weekend. One catch though was the fact that my grandparents or mom had to be there too. In other words, he wasn't allowed to be alone with me. Most of time it was just my grandparent's and me every other weekend. He wasn't reliable. My grandparent's ended up moving out of state a couple of years after my parent's got divorced. My dad wanted visitation, just me and him. My mom said no, rightly so.
My dad was into some pretty bad illegal stuff. He constantly jumped from job to job. He was the epitome of a dead beat dad. He left the state, without telling anyone, for a couple of years. He would call me every single birthday though. No matter how messed up he was, I would always get that phone call.
Well, he came back into the state where I live and, of course, he wanted to see me. I said no, I didn't want to. I didn't know him... Well fast forward a couple of years. I started talking to him on the phone to establish a relationship. We decided to meet at a crowded safe place, a McDonalds. My mom and I went to that McDonalds, and waited, and waited, and waited. My heartbroke as I finished my McMeal and he wasn't there. I cried. We went home after waiting for two hours. The phone was ringing as soon as we entered our home. It was him. He was waiting a different McDonalds on the same street, just a different corner. Instead of being an adult and planning it for the next weekend, he yelled and screamed. He essentially scared me shitless. I stopped contact.
A couple of years later I saw him at my baby cousin's first birthday party. It was my first time seeing him in years. I decided it was time to keep in contact. I was getting ready to ask him if he wanted to meet. One night he called me, my mom and I were watching the Scooby Doo movie. He sounded different, far away. My mom got on the phone and heard that he was high and told him never to call me again when he was in that state. I didn't say "I love you". Two days later my dad killed himself. He was trying to overdose the night he called me but had such a high tolerance to drugs that he literally couldn't OD.
End of Background Story.
While I was sad that I never got to really know my dad, I never really got to know him, so how could I miss him? I didn't cry. I never got to know my father, I couldn't really mourn him. To this day I don't really notice, to me it's just like he's not calling once again. People tell me they are sorry for my loss. I used to say "I'm not" when they would say that, but now I just realize it's just something people say to make themselves feel better when I tell them I lost a parent.
I just figured out for myself though that I am sorry too though. Not because he died, but because I never got to know my father. For that I am truly sorry.
= I
Soul
I'm currently listening to What Hurts the Most (Radio Mix US) by Cascada.
So, my father has been weighing on my mind lately, well for a day or two. On the common application for colleges they ask you about your parent's status. I had to write divorced then deceased for my father. My father died five years ago now. I was in seventh grade. It is still strange to think about. I couldn't really talk about it, not because it hurt, but because no one would understand.
A lot of people say that no one will understand or something like that. Here's the thing though, I wasn't hurting over the fact that he died. I know that sounds bad, but I wasn't. Well, now I sound like a bitch, let me explain...
Background Story...
I was two years old when my mom divorced my dad. He wanted me but my mom got custody, he got visitation rights every other weekend. One catch though was the fact that my grandparents or mom had to be there too. In other words, he wasn't allowed to be alone with me. Most of time it was just my grandparent's and me every other weekend. He wasn't reliable. My grandparent's ended up moving out of state a couple of years after my parent's got divorced. My dad wanted visitation, just me and him. My mom said no, rightly so.
My dad was into some pretty bad illegal stuff. He constantly jumped from job to job. He was the epitome of a dead beat dad. He left the state, without telling anyone, for a couple of years. He would call me every single birthday though. No matter how messed up he was, I would always get that phone call.
Well, he came back into the state where I live and, of course, he wanted to see me. I said no, I didn't want to. I didn't know him... Well fast forward a couple of years. I started talking to him on the phone to establish a relationship. We decided to meet at a crowded safe place, a McDonalds. My mom and I went to that McDonalds, and waited, and waited, and waited. My heartbroke as I finished my McMeal and he wasn't there. I cried. We went home after waiting for two hours. The phone was ringing as soon as we entered our home. It was him. He was waiting a different McDonalds on the same street, just a different corner. Instead of being an adult and planning it for the next weekend, he yelled and screamed. He essentially scared me shitless. I stopped contact.
A couple of years later I saw him at my baby cousin's first birthday party. It was my first time seeing him in years. I decided it was time to keep in contact. I was getting ready to ask him if he wanted to meet. One night he called me, my mom and I were watching the Scooby Doo movie. He sounded different, far away. My mom got on the phone and heard that he was high and told him never to call me again when he was in that state. I didn't say "I love you". Two days later my dad killed himself. He was trying to overdose the night he called me but had such a high tolerance to drugs that he literally couldn't OD.
End of Background Story.
While I was sad that I never got to really know my dad, I never really got to know him, so how could I miss him? I didn't cry. I never got to know my father, I couldn't really mourn him. To this day I don't really notice, to me it's just like he's not calling once again. People tell me they are sorry for my loss. I used to say "I'm not" when they would say that, but now I just realize it's just something people say to make themselves feel better when I tell them I lost a parent.
I just figured out for myself though that I am sorry too though. Not because he died, but because I never got to know my father. For that I am truly sorry.
= I
Soul
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The What If Game (Long)
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to The Way I Are by Timbaland
So, everyone plays the "what if" game. What if I had gone to that party? What if I entered the race? What if I stayed with him? I have been playing the "what if" game the past couple of days. I don't like admitting that especially because of what I am "what if"ing.
Background Story
I lost one of my best friends this past year. He was really funny and someone who I could be silly around. I didn't lose him to death, but to a relationship. I met him my freshmen year in high school and hit on him immediately. I was at a party and it was full of couples and I wasn't a couple, so I figured hit up the single guy. He flirted back but nothing came of it. We had a bunch of mutual friends so we found ourselves in the same places a lot. I developed a crush. But then Summer came and I really didn't think about him all that much.
Sophomore year came around and we had lunch together, the feelings came back, tenfold. But he started dating one of my good friends. So I stepped back, girls don't steal their friend's boyfriends. Anyways, long story short, they broke up and I asked his ex-girlfriend, my friend, if she would mind if I tried, she said no. So I asked him out. It was my first time doing that, he said "what?". Literally that was his response before we had to part ways. Later that day he told me he didn't want to ruin our friendship and he thinks it would be best if we just stayed friends.
Our friendship strengthened. Once again over Summer the feelings went to the wayside, but then Junior year started. We went full force into being best friends. He asked to me to Homecoming by serenading me and giving me flowers. I, of course, said yes. I was so excited because according to all my girlfriends, and everyone, he liked me and was getting ready to ask me out.
The dance was wonderful, but the asking me out never came. People were constantly asking if we were dating, we would always smile and just say we were really close. About a month later I flat out told him that even though he didn't want our friendship ruined over a relationship our friendship would be ruined if we didn't have one because of my strong feelings. He said we could go on a "trial date". We went to a french restaurant with my french club. It was a bit expensive per person and I knew if we were really going out we wouldn't have gone someplace so expensive for the first date, so I said I would pay for myself. I went over to his house before hand and everything was going great. Then about ten minutes after we got there he told me that he "didn't like me like that". I was devastated. Not to mention he did it at the worst time possible. My friends were all around us and heard. It was the rudest way to be told, he either should have told me that before the dinner or waited an hour for dinner to be over.
Any way you look at it, we got over it and stayed friends. Although my heart was broken. I finally got over my two year on-off crush. Then Christmas came around. He had a change of heart. He told me he made the biggest mistake and that he was just scared. I didn't have the strong feelings that I did have before, but I figured those feelings couldn't just vanish could they? Well, we started dating.
The relationship was horrible. In the beginning it was good. I was happy, then we grew to hate each other. I broke up with him one day at lunch. We seemed to go back to friends, but it couldn't last. I knew too much. He was right, the relationship got in the way of the friendship. The only time we have talked since we broke up was when I found out his dad passed away and I expressed my sorrow. He didn't even want to talk to me then.
End background story.
Anyways, back to the whole "what if" game I've been playing with myself. If you couldn't already guess, I've been "what if"ing that relationship. What if I had found a way to make it work? What if we never went out? What if...
I know within myself that it was meant to never work out. Knowing that and your brain playing games with you are two different things.
Oh, I would like to say something though, he accepted me. He never degraded me, he liked me for me. It is a good person, just a bad boyfriend...
= I
Soul
I'm currently listening to The Way I Are by Timbaland
So, everyone plays the "what if" game. What if I had gone to that party? What if I entered the race? What if I stayed with him? I have been playing the "what if" game the past couple of days. I don't like admitting that especially because of what I am "what if"ing.
Background Story
I lost one of my best friends this past year. He was really funny and someone who I could be silly around. I didn't lose him to death, but to a relationship. I met him my freshmen year in high school and hit on him immediately. I was at a party and it was full of couples and I wasn't a couple, so I figured hit up the single guy. He flirted back but nothing came of it. We had a bunch of mutual friends so we found ourselves in the same places a lot. I developed a crush. But then Summer came and I really didn't think about him all that much.
Sophomore year came around and we had lunch together, the feelings came back, tenfold. But he started dating one of my good friends. So I stepped back, girls don't steal their friend's boyfriends. Anyways, long story short, they broke up and I asked his ex-girlfriend, my friend, if she would mind if I tried, she said no. So I asked him out. It was my first time doing that, he said "what?". Literally that was his response before we had to part ways. Later that day he told me he didn't want to ruin our friendship and he thinks it would be best if we just stayed friends.
Our friendship strengthened. Once again over Summer the feelings went to the wayside, but then Junior year started. We went full force into being best friends. He asked to me to Homecoming by serenading me and giving me flowers. I, of course, said yes. I was so excited because according to all my girlfriends, and everyone, he liked me and was getting ready to ask me out.
The dance was wonderful, but the asking me out never came. People were constantly asking if we were dating, we would always smile and just say we were really close. About a month later I flat out told him that even though he didn't want our friendship ruined over a relationship our friendship would be ruined if we didn't have one because of my strong feelings. He said we could go on a "trial date". We went to a french restaurant with my french club. It was a bit expensive per person and I knew if we were really going out we wouldn't have gone someplace so expensive for the first date, so I said I would pay for myself. I went over to his house before hand and everything was going great. Then about ten minutes after we got there he told me that he "didn't like me like that". I was devastated. Not to mention he did it at the worst time possible. My friends were all around us and heard. It was the rudest way to be told, he either should have told me that before the dinner or waited an hour for dinner to be over.
Any way you look at it, we got over it and stayed friends. Although my heart was broken. I finally got over my two year on-off crush. Then Christmas came around. He had a change of heart. He told me he made the biggest mistake and that he was just scared. I didn't have the strong feelings that I did have before, but I figured those feelings couldn't just vanish could they? Well, we started dating.
The relationship was horrible. In the beginning it was good. I was happy, then we grew to hate each other. I broke up with him one day at lunch. We seemed to go back to friends, but it couldn't last. I knew too much. He was right, the relationship got in the way of the friendship. The only time we have talked since we broke up was when I found out his dad passed away and I expressed my sorrow. He didn't even want to talk to me then.
End background story.
Anyways, back to the whole "what if" game I've been playing with myself. If you couldn't already guess, I've been "what if"ing that relationship. What if I had found a way to make it work? What if we never went out? What if...
I know within myself that it was meant to never work out. Knowing that and your brain playing games with you are two different things.
Oh, I would like to say something though, he accepted me. He never degraded me, he liked me for me. It is a good person, just a bad boyfriend...
= I
Soul
Welts, Boils, and HEAT!
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Fake It by Seether
I am hot. While I am hot in the physical sense, right now I'm talking about the temperature. I am a fan of tans and ice cream, but not a fan of hotness. My perfect temperature is between 72-78 degrees. If it could be like that year round I would be perfectly happy. Usually just lounging around and chillin at my house is good enough that I just let the heat factor go by the wayside, but it is coupled with work today. Not work with Cabbage or Twin, that would be a welcomed escape, but housework. Housework is the worse kind of work in my mind.
To procrastinate I am writing here. I actually have succeeded in procrastinating, I have finished watching my Sex and the City shows that I hadn't, watching Tila Tequila's Shot at Love (a guilty pleasure(Lisa and George should have stayed and Kristy and JERSEY should have gone if you want my opinion)), and an episode of Top Chef. You can say that the television is my weakness.
I don't like that though. I don't think of it as a weakness, more of a relaxation tool. I mean, I just ended school YESTERDAY and what am I assigned to do? Housework! I know once it is done I'll be happy, but for now I am dreading it...
= (
Soul
I'm currently listening to Fake It by Seether
I am hot. While I am hot in the physical sense, right now I'm talking about the temperature. I am a fan of tans and ice cream, but not a fan of hotness. My perfect temperature is between 72-78 degrees. If it could be like that year round I would be perfectly happy. Usually just lounging around and chillin at my house is good enough that I just let the heat factor go by the wayside, but it is coupled with work today. Not work with Cabbage or Twin, that would be a welcomed escape, but housework. Housework is the worse kind of work in my mind.
To procrastinate I am writing here. I actually have succeeded in procrastinating, I have finished watching my Sex and the City shows that I hadn't, watching Tila Tequila's Shot at Love (a guilty pleasure(Lisa and George should have stayed and Kristy and JERSEY should have gone if you want my opinion)), and an episode of Top Chef. You can say that the television is my weakness.
I don't like that though. I don't think of it as a weakness, more of a relaxation tool. I mean, I just ended school YESTERDAY and what am I assigned to do? Housework! I know once it is done I'll be happy, but for now I am dreading it...
= (
Soul
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Diet Coke and Homemade Tacos!
Hi Everyone!
I'm Currently Listening to Hot in Herre by Nelly
Okay, now to something that literally just happened, breaking news... I feel like such an idiot! Twin just called me to say when she was coming into work, and I feel like such an idiot! Well, here's the (paraphrased) convo...
Me: Hey!
Twin: Hey are you at work?
Me: Yeah, I'm in
Twin: Oh well my little brother has a friend over and they want me to make something for them
Me: you want me to come over? (background info- Twin lives right near our place of employment)
Twin: Um, if you want to
Me: (feeling like an idiot already because I just invited myself over and I hate that) oh no no no, I have stuff to eat, I'll see you when you get here.
UGH! I hate myself! I feel like a complete idiot. Blah!
Other than that though I had an amazing day. It was my last day as a junior and I am doing terrifically! I can't believe I am a senior. It is such a crazy thing to think that I have already gone through three years of high school. It feels like it just started yesterday and at the same time it feels like I've been there forever. I'll write more about that within the next two days.
Thanks for taking this crazy life journey with me!
= )
Soul
I'm Currently Listening to Hot in Herre by Nelly
Okay, now to something that literally just happened, breaking news... I feel like such an idiot! Twin just called me to say when she was coming into work, and I feel like such an idiot! Well, here's the (paraphrased) convo...
Me: Hey!
Twin: Hey are you at work?
Me: Yeah, I'm in
Twin: Oh well my little brother has a friend over and they want me to make something for them
Me: you want me to come over? (background info- Twin lives right near our place of employment)
Twin: Um, if you want to
Me: (feeling like an idiot already because I just invited myself over and I hate that) oh no no no, I have stuff to eat, I'll see you when you get here.
UGH! I hate myself! I feel like a complete idiot. Blah!
Other than that though I had an amazing day. It was my last day as a junior and I am doing terrifically! I can't believe I am a senior. It is such a crazy thing to think that I have already gone through three years of high school. It feels like it just started yesterday and at the same time it feels like I've been there forever. I'll write more about that within the next two days.
Thanks for taking this crazy life journey with me!
= )
Soul
Monday, June 2, 2008
Ohhhh, Tainted Love
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Tainted Love by The Pussycat Dolls.
Summer is quickly approaching. I have a sort of apprehension towards it. I know that it will be fun, but I have always gone away for the summer. In fact the last time I stayed in my state was when I could show you how old I was on my hands. I have never had to keep up friendships or be involved in the summer drama that keeps up with teenagers. My friends and I stayed in contact through calls and the web. However now I am worried that I won't be a good summer person. I really want to hang out with multiple number of people but what if it doesn't work out?
It is sort of an anxious feeling. I worry about things way too easily. I really never need to worry about what I worry about. Once I asked my boyfriend where we were going to sit on a car ride that was scheduled two weeks later. I just get really easily worried.
I most of the time worry about my friends. What if they aren't really my friends? What if they are just being nice? What if they talk about me behind my back? Just a plethra of questions. hmmmm... So that's my worried life.
= )
Soul
I'm currently listening to Tainted Love by The Pussycat Dolls.
Summer is quickly approaching. I have a sort of apprehension towards it. I know that it will be fun, but I have always gone away for the summer. In fact the last time I stayed in my state was when I could show you how old I was on my hands. I have never had to keep up friendships or be involved in the summer drama that keeps up with teenagers. My friends and I stayed in contact through calls and the web. However now I am worried that I won't be a good summer person. I really want to hang out with multiple number of people but what if it doesn't work out?
It is sort of an anxious feeling. I worry about things way too easily. I really never need to worry about what I worry about. Once I asked my boyfriend where we were going to sit on a car ride that was scheduled two weeks later. I just get really easily worried.
I most of the time worry about my friends. What if they aren't really my friends? What if they are just being nice? What if they talk about me behind my back? Just a plethra of questions. hmmmm... So that's my worried life.
= )
Soul
Sunday, June 1, 2008
With Love and Heartache
Hi Everyone!
I'm currently listening to Won't Go Home Without You on by Maroon 5
This weekend has been jammed packed with me and I can't seem to think straight. I had work on Friday, with Cabbage. It was nice to see him and talk. One plus about him is that if I'm down he'll try and cheer me up. He always does a great job too. It's just nice to know that people truly care.
After work though I had to go workout. I was really excited to go see my personal trainer. I hadn't seen her in a while because I had babysat the previous Friday and the Friday before that she had cancelled. So for me it was a long time. My mom and I get in there and start on our cardio. At six my mom goes up to the trainers' desk and asks where our trainer is. The trainer who was sitting there told us that she had quit and we were going to be working out with someone else. I was PISSED. I couldn't believe that no one had called us and told us that she was gone. They just scheduled us with this random other trainer. We were also quite upset because we just bought a new package from our personal trainer. In which we dropped quite a load of money. We would have never done that if we had known that she was going to quit. That's besides the point though. I'm just really sad that she isn't going to be there anymore. I actually cried on the way home. Balled my eyes out. = ( We'll see how this new trainer works out...
That was Friday. I slept for fifteen hours Friday night. It was much needed and felt GREAT! Saturday was work and boring night. Truly nothing really exciting went on in my life. Well, something did, but nothing that I feel like hashing over here.
Sunday (today) is when the fun happened. I went to Mediterranean's Graduation party. I had a blast. I was playing a game with a couple of friends and let something slip that I didn't mean to. I usually don't admit to a couple of mistakes that happened my freshmen year. I wasn't thinking and mindlessly admitted to doing something that my closest friends don't even know. Not people that I've known for years. I let it slip though. How could I have done that? It was stupid of me to do so. I feel that by admitting it I am showing a weakness. I have been damaged though, nothing about me is what it seems.
I don't tell too many people what happened to me years ago. It is hard for me to write here because I know two of my real life friends read this. I don't know if I want to reveal that much of myself here. I'll save my damaged troubled life for another post. For now I am going to bed. With a heavy heart and much on my mind.
Oh, but I really had a blast at Mediterranean's party. She is a great girl and I really enjoyed spending time with her.
= /
Soul
I'm currently listening to Won't Go Home Without You on by Maroon 5
This weekend has been jammed packed with me and I can't seem to think straight. I had work on Friday, with Cabbage. It was nice to see him and talk. One plus about him is that if I'm down he'll try and cheer me up. He always does a great job too. It's just nice to know that people truly care.
After work though I had to go workout. I was really excited to go see my personal trainer. I hadn't seen her in a while because I had babysat the previous Friday and the Friday before that she had cancelled. So for me it was a long time. My mom and I get in there and start on our cardio. At six my mom goes up to the trainers' desk and asks where our trainer is. The trainer who was sitting there told us that she had quit and we were going to be working out with someone else. I was PISSED. I couldn't believe that no one had called us and told us that she was gone. They just scheduled us with this random other trainer. We were also quite upset because we just bought a new package from our personal trainer. In which we dropped quite a load of money. We would have never done that if we had known that she was going to quit. That's besides the point though. I'm just really sad that she isn't going to be there anymore. I actually cried on the way home. Balled my eyes out. = ( We'll see how this new trainer works out...
That was Friday. I slept for fifteen hours Friday night. It was much needed and felt GREAT! Saturday was work and boring night. Truly nothing really exciting went on in my life. Well, something did, but nothing that I feel like hashing over here.
Sunday (today) is when the fun happened. I went to Mediterranean's Graduation party. I had a blast. I was playing a game with a couple of friends and let something slip that I didn't mean to. I usually don't admit to a couple of mistakes that happened my freshmen year. I wasn't thinking and mindlessly admitted to doing something that my closest friends don't even know. Not people that I've known for years. I let it slip though. How could I have done that? It was stupid of me to do so. I feel that by admitting it I am showing a weakness. I have been damaged though, nothing about me is what it seems.
I don't tell too many people what happened to me years ago. It is hard for me to write here because I know two of my real life friends read this. I don't know if I want to reveal that much of myself here. I'll save my damaged troubled life for another post. For now I am going to bed. With a heavy heart and much on my mind.
Oh, but I really had a blast at Mediterranean's party. She is a great girl and I really enjoyed spending time with her.
= /
Soul
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